Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
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a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I was up all night reading about insomnia
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait