Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
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I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad