@GingerHotDish: Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving "costume" party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
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@iwearaonesie: *driving to the store*Lemons, lemons *inside the store* Lemons, Lemons *comes homes* wife:Did you get the apples? *drives back to the store*
@3sunzzz: [8am, phone rings] Hotel Desk: Ma'am we're going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning. Me: No worries, I have vodka.
@TheToddWilliams: [forest precinct] DETECTIVE OWL: HOO BEAR: I dont know DET OWL: HOO BEAR: I DONT KNOW DET OWL: HOO BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
@iAmDelFreaky: They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun. *crashes vehicle* "OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!" *dies smiling*