Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
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Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
🙂🙃🥹