@Prince_Smarming: Imagine my surprise when I found out "restraining order" did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
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@dafloydsta: [bank robbery] "Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?" TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
@vrunt: please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
@AZHORSEMOM77: I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
@MartaEffing: [1st day in heaven] God: Welcome! Have a taco and a shot of tequila. Do you like music? Me: Yeah. G: How about a little, *giggles* Nirvana?