Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
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If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no