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6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.