Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
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Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry