Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
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I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef