Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
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Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
ibopfufen
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.