@Reverend_Scott: Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
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@librarianfonz: There are gravy trains and boats. I wonder what gravy did to get on a no-fly list.
@jergarl: It's not a real twitter addiction until you look up from your phone and you've missed your exit by 37 states.
@murrman5: [roommate hears me come in] "how was the date?" [face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I'm allergic to shellfish