Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
You Might Also Like
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
This forever.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
🙄😏😂🤣