imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
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[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Rather alarming headline…
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Bootstraps
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent