Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
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Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.