[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
You Might Also Like
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Only short people can save us
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.