You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
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Not all heroes wear capes….
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
This is my pinned tweet
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.