Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
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Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.