Best misinterpreted text ever!
You Might Also Like
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.