Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
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364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?