“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
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Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”