I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
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boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along