*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
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“what’s it like having a sister?”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
At least try to make it slightly believable
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
What even happened today?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.