*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
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ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.