@werehedgehog: In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
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@Cravin4: I'm so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note. "Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us."
@trentistweeting: [turning off Shrek 2] well, i'd say that movie was shrekcellent! "trent, 1 more shrek pun and i'm divorcing you." oh karen, don't ogre-react
@ThisOneSayz: Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.