In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
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We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.