In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
You Might Also Like
This squirrel eats better than I do
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
For the baby who has everything
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I see your IQ test came back negative
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.