In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
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Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people