At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
You Might Also Like
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Where’s my employee discount too?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.