In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
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My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
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What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.