@PaperWash: In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
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@Bob_Janke: *on walkie-talkies Them: you don't have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date] HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware? ME: [filling container] The sign says 'All You Can Eat', it doesn't specify when
@AristotlesNZ: Boss: "Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what'd go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a nice..Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
@thetigersez: How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.