In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
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KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.