[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
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A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake