In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
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I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.