In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
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Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.