I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there