In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
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First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Maths meets science
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king鈥檚 horses like that
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You鈥檙e adorable
Married: We need to talk
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Now they’ll never find me…馃槀馃槒馃惢
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
2022: I can fix it
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Hello Twits.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I鈥檓 snack mom for my daughter鈥檚 game and she said why don鈥檛 you just make them and I said I鈥檓 sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
It鈥檚 my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.