[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
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The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.