@AndrewChamings: In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
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@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "Ian is coming over." Me: "Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?" Wife: "Ian- *pulls off mask* -who is good at disguises!"
@karencheee: Why do people say children are the future? They are clearly the present. Old people are the future.
@iamspacegirl: Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage Elves: no! Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light
@Reverend_Scott: Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then- Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]