Oh no 馃槀馃槀馃挃馃槶
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*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
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I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he鈥檚 gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won鈥檛 shut up
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you鈥檙e a natural
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
*pulling up to the mcdonald鈥檚 drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren鈥檛 healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they鈥檙e forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Girlfriend: Why can鈥檛 you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I am in:
馃數 Kentucky
馃數 Texas
馃敇 PantsFor the:
馃數 Fried Chicken
馃數 Chainsaw Massacre
馃敇 First time in weeks
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Hello, I鈥檝e finished my free trial of adulting and I鈥檓 no longer interested. I鈥檇 like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!