In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
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If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.