@Brianhopecomedy: In a marriage it's always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
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@meganyyb: Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?
@KeetPotato: ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they're just like "lets stay here and move pots and pans"
@scubavelli: "Oh I'll be your relationship status alright..." -me sleeping outside this Taco Bell
@jwoodham: The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it's like excuse me, I'm working here.