In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Welcome
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.