cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
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I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
everyone has that one prude friend
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Order here:
More here:
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind