My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
sensitive skin