I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
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I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Bro what is this
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”