@LuckoftheDraw86: In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves? Me: Dying people are moths?
@ChrisThayerSays: I'm still drunk with power after a Jehovah's Witness asked, "'Can I ask you one question?" & I said, "I think you just did," + kept walking.
@bornmiserable: [takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
@KatieBurnett: Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I'd haunt Hawaii or Bali