In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
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Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.