in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
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I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
remember
only for emergencies
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I want to meet the individual who made this
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Proctology is located in A55
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.