In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
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They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.