[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
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[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Well, that should do it
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*