What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
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Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.