In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
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Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
🙅🏻
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.