@OwensDamien: In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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@ComedicBust: GF: What a beautiful weekend. Let's go exploring. Me: [eating Cheetos in my underwear- looks directly at the camera]
@therealeatwood: CAPT. AMERICA: Merry Christmas, Hulk! Happy Hanukkah, The Thing! Er… what religion are you, Thor? THOR: Do you understand I’m an actual god
@notalogin: After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn't shut up about how he was into her before she got big.