In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
#math
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week