In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
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God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Baking is just science you can eat.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.